


The Three Unicorns Gruff

by leadusnot



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Booty, Fractured Fairy Tale, I may have been drunk when I wrote part of this, Ridiculousness, Unicorns, uce trolls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 22:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5557301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leadusnot/pseuds/leadusnot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A spoof on the rivalry between the New Day and the Usos in regards to the WWE tag team championship</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Three Unicorns Gruff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prittyspeshul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prittyspeshul/gifts).



> Obligatory Disclaimer: I basically own none of this. The characters and the plot of the story are essentially all the ideas of other people. All I did was match them up in an amalgamation of sorts. This story is completely ridiculous and reading it may possibly be hazardous to your mental health. Proceed with caution.
> 
> This mess of a fractured fairy tale is dedicated to my friend prittyspeshul, who approved the idea and has listened to me fuss, consoled me through grief, and made me laugh while inspiring me to be a better writer. 
> 
> Cheap Plug: my other fic, When They Were Boys, is ONE KUDOS (kudo? Anyone?) away from an even 300, so please tell your friends!

Once upon a time there were three unicorns. They were a rather unconventional bunch, to be sure. The smallest of the unicorns was Xavier Woods Gruff. The medium-sized unicorn was Kofi Kingston Gruff. The largest, most obnoxious unicorn was Big E Gruff.

No relation.

And to be honest, they were all equally obnoxious.

Now, these unicorns liked to eat grass, talk smack, and one of them played a trombone. And Big E Gruff did a lot of eating. Naturally, it wasn’t long before the grass supply began to dwindle, and so Kofi K Gruff and Xavier W Gruff decided to have a family meeting while their biggest bro took a nap.

“Now, listen,” Xavier said. “Rumor has it there’s an uce troll or two hiding under that bridge that crosses the river, but get eyes on the grass on the other side. That’s enough for us and Big E and his appetite. We gotta get across that bridge, man. We just gotta.”

Kofi considered this as his light up horn changed colors. 

“Well,” Kofi began, “you could go first. You’re small and mostly tendons. Tell those tatted trolls that you wouldn’t taste very good and to wait for your brother, because he’s way more built and besides, his title belt is far shinier. Then I’ll come along and say the same thing and that he should wait for E. Then E comes along, and we ALL know he’s not gonna let some tatted uce trolly thugs get in the way of him and some fresh grass. And we all eat happily ever after.”

“And what if the uce trolls take E down?” Xavier Woods Gruff was obnoxious but smart.

“Then there’s a whollllllllllllllleeeeee lot more grass for us,” Kofi replied.

“Hmmmm….I like it,” said Xavier.

True to form, Xavier made his way to the bridge. He decided to whip out his trombone to alert the uce trolls that he was coming. Before long, he’d reached his destination. 

And before long, the biggest, ugliest, hairiest trolls that Xavier W Gruff had EVER seen were standing before him. And they looked hungry.

They had long curly black hair and both were covered in ink, but the strange thing to Xavier was the dance they did as he approached. He might’ve been scared...if he   
wasn’t too busy laughing in his head. Then one of them spoke and Xavier W had to fight off a snort.

“Whatcha be doin’, tryin’ to cross our bridge?” It was the one dressed in red, though they looked exactly alike and Xavier figured it didn’t much matter.

“Please...I’m just a skinny, starving unicorn trying to get to the other side where the grass is greener...please just let me cross…”

“Naw...we can’t do that. We’re hungry for gold, uce. Lots and lotsa gold. You be trippin’ if you think we just gone’ let you cross for nothin’.”

Xavier Woods Gruff had been planning for this.

“Look. My name is Xavier Woods Gruff. Coming up the path a little ways is my big brother, Kofi Kingston Gruff, no relation. He’s a lot bigger and tastier than I am. His gold is shinier too. Let me go and eat him instead. He’s worth the wait.”

And while the two big uce trolls stood there and debated how the unicorns could be brothers with the same last name and still be no relation, Xavier and his trombone slipped right across the bridge.

Meanwhile Kofi Kingston Gruff and Big E Gruff (still no relation but getting less believable by the second) were having a talk.

“This is booty,” Big E was saying, while Kofi tried to explain.

“No, no, no, listen,” Kofi K Gruff said. “Those uce trolls are what’s booty, and they’re stupid booty by the way. Xavier is already across the bridge eating the grass without us, but if we’re gonna get over there, we gotta play it smart.”

“You mean Xavier is eating my grass?” Big E roared, and Kofi smiled. That did it for sure.

“No, no, no, you gotta use the power of positivity, man. You gotta BELIEVE that you can get that grass before Xavier eats it all. And that’s why we gotta stick to the plan.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Big E grumbled. “Just make sure there’s enough grass left for me.”

So Kofi K went on his way up to the bridge, where the uce trolls heard his hooves and jumped up from beneath.

“Who goes there?” The first uce troll snarled. He was inked up and muscley, and Kofi shuddered a little.

“Please, mister uce troll,” Kofi began. “I’m a poor starving unicorn and all I want is to cross your bridge and get to the other side and eat some of that delicious looking grass. Won’t you please let me go?”

“Nawwwww, man,” the second uce troll spoke up. “Your buddy already pulled that mess. Ain’t no way we gonna let you go too, not without that shiny gold belt.”

“But this gold is tinny and not at all very shiny,” Kofi K said. “You should wait for my biggest brother, Big E Gruff. His belt is the biggest, shiniest one of all, and there’s way, way, WAY more fat on him. If you let me go, he’ll come looking for me, and you can take HIS belt and eat him up.”

“Man, you unicorns is whack,” the first uce troll said. “Your fur is funky and your horn looks like a pointy light-up strap-on. Ain’t no WAY you’re getting by us.”

Kofi K Gruff, however, was known for his agility, and when the uce trolls advanced on him, he took a running leap, flew over their heads, and while the uce trolls watched, Kofi pranced right across the bridge.

“Brutes,” he muttered as he went.

Right about that time, Big E Gruff was making his way up the path. Big E was...well...big. Huge, even. And possibly slightly doofy, but hey---when you’re a big ass unicorn, you don’t have to be brilliant. So as he clip-clapped and clomped right up that path, he wasn’t really thinking about how to outsmart the uce trolls. He was more   
or less just thinking about spearing them right over the edge of the bridge and into the water below.

He was also wiggling his hips and talking smack as he clomped, because that’s what Big E Gruff just liked to do.

“AWWWWWWW uce trolls! Don’t you dare be sour! Just clap along with your boy Big E Gruff and feel the POWERRRRRAHHHHHH!”

The uce trolls thought this was hilarious.

“Yo, yo, yo, uce, check out his moooooooves,” the second uce troll howled with laughter.

“Damn, B!” The first uce troll exclaimed. “The hell you doin’? Everyone knows unicorns can’t dance!”

Big E thought this was booty. He said as much.

“That is booty! Unicorns can DANCE, man. It’s trolls that can’t dance. Y’all’s dancing is the bootiest dancing of all the booty dancing in the WHOLE WORLD!” 

The uce trolls glared at Big E, who was just about ready to charge them, when the first uce troll noticed something.

“Where’s your gold, bro?”

“In case you haven’t realized, there’s three of us and two belts. My brothers Gruff (no relation) are already on the other side of the water---with the gold. So I don’t exactly know what you were expectin’, but if it was gold, you be trippin’. And THAT is booty.”

The uce trolls snarled; they’d been duped, and they had no intention of letting Big E go now. They approached Big E slowly, their black eyes glittering with fury, their painted faces contorted in rage. Big E was not Big E for no reason, though.

He lowered his head and charged at the first uce troll. The uce troll dodged him, but at the very last second, Big E faked to the left and plowed right into the second uce troll, who flew up into the air---and over the cliff, down into the water below.

“Uce! UCE!” The panicked first uce troll screamed for his brother, peering over the edge of the rocks, but it was too late; the second uce troll was gone. Furthermore, the first uce troll was so obviously not very smart that he turned his back on Big E, who, I don’t have to tell you, made quite short work of him.

With both uce trolls gone, or at least swimming for their lives, Big E Gruff happily tramp-tromped up over the bridge, where he was delighted to find that Xavier W and Kofi K had not eaten all of the grass. In fact, there was so much left that Big E began to dance again in celebration.

And they all lived happily, piggishly, and troll-free-ever-after. 

And still unrelated.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Production Note: No unicorns or uce trolls were harmed in the creation of this story.


End file.
